thought process ...

As I sit to write this one, I don't have a topic in mind.. Nor have I thought of a title.. I generally decide the title and then start writing.. So I don't know what all I'll write about.. I am upset, terribly upset.. Why? I don't wanna go in that direction.. But yes, I do want someone to hear me.. It is sometimes difficult to find someone to talk to.. Considering the fact that I boast of an army of friends, its difficult to believe that I didn't find anyone to talk to!!
I could have talked to anyone of them.. But there was one problem or the other..

I was sleeping, well wasn't exactly sleeping, but was at least lying in bed, when my good friend Neha called me.. I talked to her and she told me about yesterday.. How she spent it and how she was a bit ill and is going to visit a doctor tomorrow.. Talk to her about my indifferent mood, I don't think that was a great idea.. She would think a lot, be upset and strain her nerves and be even more ill, so I just couldn't talk to her about my so bad state of mind, such a horrible mood.. I just wanna cry and thought I couldn't cry while talking to her on phone.. So trying to be as energetic as possible, I tried to let her hang up without any hint of my state of mind...

I then tried to talk to some other friend, but I don't confide in all.. So told him that I am not too happy, that I don't like anything now a days and he just said I am the problem.. [:)]
Yeah, I am the problem but I wanted to feel good but just couldn't so as I hung up, I was even more desperate for a hearty talk!!

So to feel good, or at least better, I called Shona.. She wasn't at her place and I couldn't talk to her either and now I am left with no option.. No one to talk to!! And thus I took up to write here on the blog to at least have the illusion of a hearty talk..

I am now talking to a college friend.. Its beginning to turn better but I don't think anyone else can help me.. Need something to just make me happy.. A magic wand... God, You listening??

Saturday or Sadderday.. You decide for me..

It was one fine day that was to turn into the most irritating and bad day of my life..
How did it happen?
Read on to know...

I was up early and I took up the great task of updating my blog about all the recent happenings and put on my thought process in an organised way here.. So I sat in front of my PC and took to hitting the keys to put my thoughts in words for all to see.. Mum asked me to help her in the household chores.. I told her I would as soon as I am finished with the blog.. So I kept producing one post after other and then took up the broom to clean up.. I had started the cleaning when the electrician arrived to check the inverter.. I wasn't aware of when he left and as I bolted the main door, I casually told Mum to close the main door the next time she moves from the living room to some other room and this started a heated argument between us.. I was too upset by her remark that I intentionally pick up a fight to try and escape from giving a helping hand.. As I was fuming and left the room, I was too upset and swore to do everything for myself.. Will cook for self, look after the laundry and my every other need and won't rely on her..

As I talked to my friend on net, I was too upset and started saying these things to him.. He took her side and then as I told him that I would wash my own clothes and cook my own food, I received a blatant reply from him that I don't talk about my mum like that.. I was irritated and said - 'lets talk about something else.. Or even better don't talk at all'.. To which he said - 'OK.. then lets not talk'.. And we exchanged angry byes and I signed out..

I didn't want him to take her side without knowing the entire story.. I was hurt and I was upset and I know that he knows that I love my mum too much to talk like that so he should have at least heard me and then tried to explain me.. But his blunt reply and insensitive reaction just drew me apart.. I am upset about his reaction and my mum's behaviour.. Both..

When would people understand me and know me.. While all claim to know me way too nicely..

Palmistry..??? I don't know much about it ..

27th August 2009
Thursday

I had already asked Yogi about the happenings at college the day I was out with my friends to attend the fresher's.. It was a day when a test was announced for Friday and an assignment for Tuesday.. I wonder why a day of fun is always ended by so many bad news!! Anyways, I knew it were to happen this way, so let it be.. So I went to college know what all had went while I were away.. The attendance was low because we have many free lectures on the day, I would have taken an off too but for the embedded lab, I had to come..

The strength of the class was too low and as we were so vulnerable if we tried to generate a fuss, I made sure I stay off any kind of trouble with the teachers.. I just don't understand the attitude problem of teachers here!! Well, let them be, who cares.. The day started was altogether fine till I got myself into this..

We were sitting in the embedded lab and were getting all bored when we started discussing the lines that we see on our palms.. Palmistry.. God!! We start discussing these lines for fun.. No one knows how to read them, but still we love to share whatever little knowledge we have!! So as we were happily chatting about these lines and laughing about things like you won't study much or you'll have 3 affairs, I didn't see what was coming my way next!!




I wasn't aware then that I would be looking at, in fact reading my teacher's hand.. Yes, I was made to sit there till I would read their hands too.. I was so badly struck, I didn't know how to read plus anything stupid or bad would land me in trouble.. I tried to escape this sticky situation but I wouldn't go without going through the entire process.. So I sat there and the first lines that I spoke were, 'I really don't know how to read lines and we were just discussing things we heard from people'.. She smiled and said - "Tell me whatever you know".. So I had a look at her hand and saw the lines and told her whatever I could and asked if I could leave.. She informed me not until I have a look at sir's hand too.. Oh God!! I was so sure, I was in troubles.. He then offered me an escape, I could go without having a look at his hand, but I preferred to have a look and then go.. So as I looked at those dark lines in his hand, I was sure its an amazing hand to read for someone who knew.. As I said whatever I could see, I saw him smiling and we all laughed at the silly time pass we students device.. [:D]





Finally I was happy to escape without upsetting them and yet get out of the lab before 12:20..[:D]

[The photos are the copyright of the respective sites]

It was the fresher's party...

26th August 2009
Wednesday

It was the fresher's party today and we all were going.. I have been to my fresher's party and it wasn't a very good experience, so I missed the fresher's the consecutive years but now as soon as Neha asked me, I happily agreed!! I would hardly say no to a dear friend.. The previous night is always a chaotic one as we keep on discussing the plan to prevent chaos but we still find ourselves in the middle of it every time we go out..

The previous evening I had been out with my friends some of whom I were meeting for the first time after college, but I could feel the anxiety of the following day even then!! I received a call from Neha when I had just arrived at the mall to meet my friends and told her that I would talk to her later.. As we sat there and chatted, the fact that I were going to the Fresher's did crop up once or twice showing the amount of anxiety to prevent chaos.. No matter how hard you try, you can never make a plan or outing without its last minutes hick ups!! :D

After reaching back home, I had started to device out the plan of action for tomorrow.. I first called Neha to tell her the timings and the time to reach and I also told her that her passes are with me, so she should reach on time.. I later called Shona to tell her the same plan all over again.. Later got a call from Shilpa telling me the time by which we must start off from here to reach the destination in the designated time.. Oh GOD!! I hate it when you have to co-ordinate between so many people.. Then called Neha again to tell her the time by which I want her there.. I don't understand why do girls use their little brain so much.. I don't use mine so often.. I do what I am told to, but others use their brain and plan accordingly.. I just don't get why my friends don't do what I ask them to and not use their own brains..

Well, you guessed it right she was LATE!!! yes, I hate it when someone is late.. I hate people who make me wait and show up late!! I sometimes feel like returning the honours!! Feel like making them wait for an entire lifetime before showing up again!! She just makes me so damn mad!! Never ever reaches on time.. She just gets on my nerves every time she does so.. I have waited for her for almost an hour every time I go out with her, she would never ever start on time and would always give stupid explanations.. I don't get why she has to spoil my mood every time we go out by showing up late.. Moreover, things are changing between us.. I feel so.. She is very sensitive so I try to keep it like it were but, its not the same..

Any how, as I waited for her, I let out my frustration by blaring out to her on the phone.. Told her to come as late as she pleased, because I am a fool waiting for her, forever... I just feel like walking away sometimes.. Anyways, she finally arrived and I didn't talk to her.. I was the one who was waiting.. I have always been waiting for her outside places, on roads and even at stops and stations!! So she deserves cold treatment for a few minutes at least.. What say?

Anyways, I could see she was too upset [too smart to make that puppy face and that makes me melt and Manu too asked me to forgive her as she would cry if I continue like that].. I gave in .. What can you do in front of a woman about to shed tears.. Huh, the most powerful devised by gals.. I seldom use it myself, but I am often blackmailed with the powerful display of this device!!

So we finally spoke and hugged and I warned her that this was the last time [I know this wasn't the last time, though its good for the time being][;)].. So as she complained about the music being too loud and decided to just sit in one corner table in the disc, I was so damn sick that I needed a shouting!! Well, I moved on to let my other friends know I am in now.. As she continued to throw tantrums, I found myself another company and repented the moment I decided to come here with her.. I, deep down inside, knew she would do this, yet I happily agree to whatever she says.. Never ever let your friend to do this to you.. Anyways, I love to praise her and loath her at the same time, this is what you call love.. You love to hate them and hate to love them, but just don't think of leaving them..!!

Back to track, I like to enjoy and let my hair down when I am out and out to have fun.. So I moved on the dance floor to find a group of enthusiastic known faces that I can join.. I spotted Kriti and moved closer, the group had immense energy and was receptive.. They were welcoming and I didn't feel like an unwanted and unwelcomed addition, so I joined in.. As we warmed up a bit, we were swaying to the beats and were complementing each other's moves.. It was getting to be one hell lot of a dance and we moved on the floor to a better suited place where we could just unwind.. I insisted Neha, Manu and Shona to join in and soon I found myself matching up with the two opposite dance groups that lied to each other at 180 degree phase shift..[:D]
I love to add some science to everything...[;)]

So I would just turn by 180 degrees to get from super energetic, swaying, body wave forming and belly dancing group to a low energy just tapping group and dancing accordingly to fit in.. I were shaking and belly dancing in one group to just hopping from side to side in another..[:D]

It was hell lot of fun.. The Dancing lights, the pumping deafening music and the maddening crowd.. It was all I hoped for minus the bad I expected from my previous experience.. Maybe the bad was missing because I was a senior or maybe more sophisticated people were around, whatever be it, but it wasn't that bad..

I enjoyed the Fresher's get to know a few more people from my college there.. I hardly know people in my college.. I love to keep to myself and my comfort zone, so this letting go once in a while adds to your circle.. So as I got to know Kriti's and Shilpa's groups, I think there are a few more people I can gel with..[:)]

Just another day at college? I don't think so..

Well, finally back to the present tense.. It’s good to talk about yesterday that a fortnight ago!!

Yesterday was as usual another day full of arguments and raging tempers, the only respite was the good weather..

It all started in the bus.. Arguments with silly and irritating juniors, the latest addition to the great college family.. Oh! They are so damn sickening!! I have noticed the quality of the crowd is deteriorating and the quantity growing exponentially.. They are nothing, I find them brainless beings minus the style quotient minus the manners minus the right attitude and so blissfully ignorant and in exact words the frogs of the well..[:D][Anyone who feels he/she isn't come and meet me as I haven't met anyone contrary to my notion yet!!] They look like uneducated filthy creatures from the past rather than from the future, their mentality and thought process, all are so primitive.. They look like people from the Victorian era!! So damn surly, gruff and grisly!! It feels they are so infectious that I don't wanna share any space with them!! Yuck!!

So as I ended up in an argument with these sick people and took pity on self for being struck in this place!! Anyways, the most hilarious and funny thing was to be told that that silly filthy louse that he would wait for us, especially me in the evening when I board the bus back home!! So funny, as if I am scared!! Huh..

As I laughed about it with my friends, Shilpa too kept making fun of the fact!! It was so damn funny!! I don't let a bug dampen my spirits, I had to meet my school friends and think about the freshers tomorrow, so I didn't let him take even a single neuron of my brain!! Ha ha ha.. Loser!!

It was out and out an amazing day.. My other friends who weren't coming for a day or two were also there and I didn't have a reason to let that bugger mar my day!! We strolled leisurely in the lawn enjoying the beautiful weather and talking about things, fighting and laughing..

It was evening, the time to see what the loser would do.. I and Shilpa were the only ones of the group to show up!! It was a bit shocking, but then in all these years of growing up, we have learnt to stand up for ourselves!! So we sat there next to the looser as he chatted with the similarly uneducated gal!! Oh!! These village dwellers!!

So as we talked about the disappointment and our school friends, I informed her that I was about to meet my school buddies!! I was so excited as we talked about those golden days of our lives!! I was in an amazing group where we would give our book to friend and stand outside the class for them or still better hide it in our bag and stand with them..[;)] How we swore on our friendship not to give in to any oppressive teacher and say sorry to them.. No matter what they would never ever say 'I am sorry'.. We were so damn adamant and arrogant!! But it was fun!!

I got down from the bus and as I rang them up, I was wildly excited to meet them after a period of 4 long years!! It seemed as if it was just yesterday when we all were sitting together on those last benches, I still sticking to my third last row..[:D]

There he stood waiting for me, talking to me on the phone while I asked him to turn around and look at me!! Naveen, I was seeing him after 4 years, one of the many friends, still special, he sat in front of me in the exams and we would cheat, he would take my sheet to copy..[:D]

As I waved to him and we drifted towards each other, I could see the same joy in his eyes as I was experiencing.. We exchanged pleasantries and he told me how different I look now.. I have grown my hair a long now.. [:)] And that I look good.. That he wouldn't have walked up to me if it weren't for the fact that we were on phone and I waved to him..

He was still the same, the Foreigner look intact, that fair skin, those green eyes that tall stature.. He was as handsome as ever I informed him.. We laughed it off and resorted to the earlier ways of communication.. We waited for Vik to come.. He was a bit late, but he was apologetic for being late and as he explained his reasons, we laughed and started chattering again.. He also pointed out how I look different and told me how he had let all of them know that I look different now.. As I urged them to take up another topic, we saw ourselves slowly walking back in time..

We lived those moments of coming late to class and telling that the match had reached a crucial point of a win defeat situation with just one point to come victorious!![:D]

How we would appear shameless while the teacher screamed at us!! How we would bunk classes and sit on the stairs and be called to the in charge’s room.. How we would never ever submit the assignments in time and complete them standing outside the class.. How we would be scolded for being in a company that would leave us good for nothing.. How we were spoiling each other.. It was such an intense nostalgia.. While Vik praised me for everything and Naveen pointing out flaws in me, we chatted and laughed..

It was such an amazing thing to sit next to them and reliving those moments we had spent.. As I hurried to reach back home I promised to meet them before Naveen catches a flight back to Ireland and Vik goes back to his college..[:)]

a little excerpt from my diary..

I wasn't able to write this on my blog there and then because of my silly machine [I am in this love hate relationship with my computer, so please don't tell me not to loath this machine so much]..

It was..

13 August 2009

Wednesday

What kind of a day was yesterday? I was out with my friend and as we struggled through all the beautiful pieces to look out for something she could gift to her brother, I wondered what exactly is a boy kinda thing in the Archie's gallery.. As we moved from one display rack to another and I held out the various artifacts which she declined saying her brother would find them way too girly, I wondered if we would ever find something apt for her brother here..

Before entering this gallery, we went to a book store [I like reading books], where it was difficult for me to zero on a novel while I wanted almost each put on for sale in the fiction section.. As I started collecting many of the novels by Dan Brown and Will Smith, my friend read the briefing on the book cover to help me get one apt novel.. As I struggled to choose one , the 'decision making' problem cropping in, I asked her to take me away from the store so that I don't end up shouting what should I buy and what should I leave.. Finally contented with a dictionary and a Dan Brown novel, we left the store to counter my fetish for a clutch.. As we picked a nice one, we were already running short on cash.. To prevent draining more on unnecessary stuff [later my purchases were categorised as 'this' by the 'Superior force'], we headed straight to the gallery..

As we entered through the gallery's door, I knew I was to face the worst form of the 'decision making' problem.. As I strolled past the first section of displayed potential gifts, I hurriedly decided to ask for the budget to prevent self from hovering in the forbidden territories.. Its so disgusting to know you can't afford to buy something right away when you have already made it the perfect gift of your dreams for the occasion.. So we started off to run across the various display racks with the budget in mind.. I liked a few teddies [Oh! I love them] and artifacts, but my friend informed me about his brother's apprehension about 'girly things'.. That any kind of teddy and affectionate thing with even a slightest hint of pink is a big NO-NO for him..

As I had scanned most of the shelves, I discovered my inability to buy gifts for others.. I was looking at everything as a gift I would like to get and thus was particularly unsuited to act as a sub-ordinate for gift shopping for a guy in his teens, who is very apprehensive of any hint of femininity in his room.. So my friend said with a smile - 'You are incredibly unhelpful'.. [:D]

In my desperation to finish this quest for a perfect gift, I held out every possible gift item with a smile, explaining how it would be just apt for her brother, like an amazing sales girl for the store.. By this time, she was laughing out loud.. Anything she selected was put down by me and after selecting a card, we found ourselves running twice through the gallery and I still kept swearing by a teddy that according to me wasn't 'girly'.. Oh!! how desperately I wanted it to end!!

Finally, I noticed the Mugs and I coaxed her to buy one.. How on earth my blinkered eyes that were hindered by the sight of those 'Oh! so huggable teddies' just didn't let me see and consider the safest gift, the Mugs, in the first two round trips around the gallery.. As we finally picked an amazing mug and got it wrapped, we were relieved and finally concluded that I would gift all the men in my life, the gifts I want for myself, maybe as an indicator of what they should buy for my next birthday!! [;)]

[All the photos are the copyright of the respective sites]

continuation to previous post..

Oh!!! I hate this damn machine called computer!!

I am writing in after so long, again because of the same reason.. My computer gives me the hardest time and according to the engineers, its such a nice piece that gives no problems.. huh!!!

well, let me continue from that point where I left it a few days back.. I went out with my friends and we did have a great time.. That lunch was amazing and we had the most amazing time together.. The other outings were good too but this one was the best so far..

The only guilt was leaving behind a friend without company, as the others in the group were absent..[We 4 love the company of each other and the rest of the world doesn't matter much!!]

Day Two of college

19th August 2009,

I went to college with again the same zeal and same intention of attending all the classes.. I love to go to college with an agenda, a plan, as I told you.. So I finally got to live my dream.. The first lecture was of IIFE, what it stands for? I am sorry, even I am not sure and we are opting for some other subject, maybe HR, so I need not know either..[;)]

It was another lazy day, I am not in the habit of being attentive in class, so I was as usual lost in some other important thing.. Moreover he speaks so slowly that he can't hold my mind in class and prevent it from wandering..[:D] Anyways, he somehow became audible for a few seconds, it generally happens when we are asked a question.. So as he progressed towards my desk, I like sitting on the third last desk as the last two desk are under constant vigilance of the teachers.. I know I am quite brooding..[:)] So, the point is I heard his question and I saw my classmates and friends standing there struggling to escape being the next victim of his wrath and stammering while they made some wild guesses!! He asked us the difference between accuracy and precision..

I heard him making fun of us, that we are now in the 7th semester and are not even aware of the difference between the two.. This is what awakens the knowledge geek in me and I just can't take it.. So as I tried to recall my class 11th physics book, he was slowly stirring away from the topic..

My thought process - it was in class 11 physics book in the first chapter on the left hand side page.. Oh my God!! And it clicked me..

As I raised my hand to answer I realised he had already drifted away.. So I almost shouted and asked him if I could attempt the question now.. He was keen to know what I have to say and moved further closer to hear me while I confidently blurted out the answer..

Precision is the nearness of the different values taken using the device to each other and its of no importance whether they are equal to the right value or not, while Accuracy is the exactness of the value the device gives while the various readings taken by the device can vary.. So the device should be both precise and accurate.. Mission accomplished..[:D]

I saved my classmates and friends from the embarrassment and humiliation for the time being while he was contented with my reply and praising me!!

This even helped me, as now he ignores all I am doing in class, studying or not, talking or appear lost, he somehow knows that I know all the answers..[;)]

The first lecture was over and I was basking in the glory of my little lovely brain [I think it is my biggest asset, it just never ever lets me down].. Time for the next lecture, I was all pumped up for the next hustle.. It was DSP, it stands for Digital Signal Processing.. Yeah, I am happy to know that..[;)] So, it was a familiar teacher who once taught us Analog Electronics.. So he knew us a bit and I know I don't have to try and judge him for his brain.. Meanwhile my friend, Mehak started talking to me about my hair [Oh!! she says she loves my hair plus she isn't the only one to say so..[;)]] So as we discussed my hair, the teacher who knows me for being way too talkative, asked us to sit in the corner.. We picked our belongings and dashed for our royal seats, secluded from the class, to be more attentive in class.. So I was left with no choice but to listen carefully as he speaks.. I was attentive, a sign of danger for the teachers, as I'll then point out the slightest mistake they made.. He was a bit unsure of the real numbers and as he was wrong, I pointed out, and ended up discussing real numbers, natural numbers, whole numbers and integers, while my class laughed at the debate I generate and how I sometimes make the teacher feel like he is a bit stupid.. No offences but, we students love to make them fluster as it is a students childhood fantasy to make his teacher a bit nervous while they have been doing this insulting thing for years!!

As the roars of laughter rose the teacher who was so far cool, lost his temper and it all ended with a few punished friends who were marked absent despite being present physically [mentally, I am not sure..;)] and the teacher resolving to confirm things and discuss them in the next lecture.. As he left, I was a bit apologetic to my friends who were marked absent, but they were happy to see the 'Oh! I lost look' on the teachers face..[:D]

As my friends asked for more, two wickets down in two lectures, I think I was going pretty too strong, I resolved to call it for the day.. No more of the proud display of 'Oh! I know it all'.. This is what few of my classmates think about my attitude, but who cares, I am proud of myself and my little processor[THE BRAIN, if you didn't get it] that is faster and more efficient than theirs!! [;)]

finally my computer is working again!!

Its been more than a week and I have been dying to lay my hands on the keyboards to write a number of things I want to share with you guys.. Its a few days since I started going to college and there are so many things to talk about!! Oh my God!! My head is full of a number of words that I wanna write, number of things that I wanna talk about.. I am just simply trying to give you a peep into my 2 days at college..



Day 1

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

It was my first day to college.. I know I went to college on 8th too but this was the first day when I was looking forward to join college.. It was nice to see familiar faces in the crowd of new heads that had cropped in!! Well as I reached for my favourite seat in the bus, and said a 'Hi' to all my friends that I were meeting after so long.. I was worried about my hair!! Why?? Well, my hair cut session got on really bad and I have a real bad accident where you don't get the look you paid for!! I wasn't looking forward to look like a silly gal who blindly follows trend, whether it suites her or not, but I ended up with a terrible cut that makes me look even more ridiculed!! Just my luck.. Things never go the way I planned.. So as I was too conscious of my hair, I made them the talking point and the juniors had to bear the wrath of it!! Come on.. We all do it and we all are abused this way.. There isn't a single one who can say with zero guilt that he has never ever let his upset mind hurt an innocent meek person!! We also face the wrath of an angry parent many a times for no fault of ours!! Anyways, I was rude and I accept it here, so if anyone of them reads it.. Listen dude, it happens.. OK!! Fine.. I am sorry..



Anyways, as you know, I never get to device a well planned course of action, so how could this day be an exception? Yes, I, the compulsive planner, planned my first day to college.. It was all charted out with great amount of details.. I planned to at least know who are my lecturers and device out the plan for spending the semester without being the known face.. I always suffer because I am a known face to all the teachers.. Come on guys, I don't have the privilege of getting proxy in the lectures I don't attend because all the teachers know me by name!!



But in the bus itself I came to know that I would be bunking the second lecture to meet a pass out senior who is revisiting the college for the last time.. So I went to attend the first lecture because the privilege of proxy is denied to me!! I was sitting on the third bench to downplay my role in the class.. I am the controversy Queen!!!

So, as the teacher entered I sat in an upright position [most of the time I lie on my desk leisurely because I am not interested in hearing the teacher blur].. As some of my compulsive late commer friends entered the class, I got busy in waving to them.. The irritated teacher watched me indulging in my favourite pass time..

Well, this landed Yogi in trouble.. She entered and said a Hi.. As she was still settling in he came and asked her to reply to his question.. She didn't even know what question he had asked before she entered and as she turned around to tell me what an amazing welcome I gave her that she is standing in the very first class just after entering.. As I begged for an apology, she smiled and said - 'Its gonna be fun..' Well, we love to kick start things.. [;)]

So as the bell ring and I rushed to join my bus friends gang to greet the arriving senior, I said a Hi to all those friends who were late and were denied entry..

[Its getting late now, and I'll continue it tomorrow.. Along with the things I wrote on paper as I couldn't here on my blog]

Am I excited to join the college?

Am I excited to join the college?

This is the question that I have been asking myself for quite sometime now.. I am finally getting tired of being here, back at home, but does that really mean I should join the college? The question would probably be answered when I finally sit in those rooms.. But ever since I returned from college on 8th, I am feeling a bit too strange.. Strange is the exact word because I am not only visibly upset but somehow I have this uneasiness inside.. This unrest.. I don't really experience it every time I am about to join college and it feels so bad inside.. I am prepared and charged for the new session but its somehow seems so difficult to be back..

College is the place where I have had some great times, though my college isn't a very happening place, but somehow this place hold a special place as it has given me amazing friends and a few thrilling experiences but still the idea of joining the college back this year seems a bit to disturbing!! That too for the first time in four years.. It was excitement to go back and meet friends after a break from the tiring holidays in 1st year.. In second year too, we looked forward to joining college after getting bored of being at home.. But this time, it seems that I am not looking forward to being back at all!! It seems so disillusioning an option to hit back those roads again..

I hope being back there on 18th would somehow instill a joy in me and I feel like jumping onto the bandwagon that turns the whole experience into a joyful experience.. Lets hope the very sight of all my classmates would make me glad and I would have fun getting onto what we do best.. Having fun in classes and not studying till the 11th hour..

SUNNY DAYS .. [a poem I wrote]

I am not a poet, nor I feel I am too good at it, but some days, in fact a few months back as I was going through an emotional turmoil, I did scribble a few.. My sweet friends discouraged this habit of writing so sad pieces.. I didn't find them to saddening, but agreed.. As I deal with this sudden sadness that has eloped me, I thought of sharing my poem [an assemblage of lines that don't exactly rhyme] with you.. I know it really doesn't qualify for being a poem..:)

I don't know why, but I am feeling low

I don't know why, but the feeling doesn't go

I try and try, but can't succeed

A sudden pain has cast a spell on me!!

I sit alone and I cry

I long for you but can't reach out

dark clouds of despair have surrounded my bright sunshine

and the rain brings hailstone storm along

I walk along the road braving them all

wondering all this while

when would this darkness wither away

to give way to my bright sunny days!!

NOTE:
Let me know if you liked it.. I'll look forward to your responses..[:)]

[All the photos are copyright of the respective sites]

Feeling Blue..

I am feeling too low.. Its a very peculiar thing, a kind of 'I am not liking anything around me' feeling, when you wish you could do something in this world that could make you happy.. I am feeling this way since Sunday morning.. Why? I wish I knew, at least I could fix it then!!

But feeling this strange vacancy inside is making me so damn sick.. Tried to gorge on food too to feel better [I know that's unhealthy, but what to do?].. This emptiness, this strange awkwardness and you can do nothing to fix it.. You just wish you could make yourself happy by swirling a magic wand!!

I am listening to these sad love songs, they seem to blend in with my mood [by the way, its a myth that this makes you feel even low, I think it makes you feel you aren't alone.. Think differently, is it my mantra? Don't know but it helps!!] I feel like crying and though it relieves me, but this relief is temporary and I feel this urge to find something else, something better, something that would last longer, maybe a life time.. I also call my friends and eat their brain by making them hear while I crib about these strange feelings, but I sometimes feel its too selfish an act!! I just want to sit alone in a lonely corner, thinking or sometimes just gazing at an empty wall.. My mind blank!! Something I am not used to!! I have something or the other cooking up in it.. Sometimes I plan my day, my life, my future or things I want to do.. Sometimes wonder how I would make my friends feel special, because they take great pains to keep me in the right spirit.. But this blankness, this silence, where I can't even hear myself thinking is like a 'Brain Death', how could this so complex thing, that forms a major chunk of my identity, just be so quite while I am famous for being a restless being.. I myself feel, I'll rest in peace only after my death, but this 'Brain Death' is so scary!! At least the dead don't feel it!!

I am particular a happy person.. I am loved by my friends and kins and there isn't a visible emptiness [told you I have an army of friends], so there isn't a reason to feel like that!! I get whatever I want [told you how DAD just loves to pamper me by fulfilling all my wishes], then what on Earth is making me so sick??

I wish I knew, but then have to find something to keep self busy and all cheered up.. Will let you guys know as soon as I discover.. [Some say I know my problems but don't want to acknowledge it.. Whatever be the case, realisation or acceptance, I am yet to come face to face with it.. Or at least have the heart to accept it..]

Its morning..

I woke up at 5:30 in the morning and reached out for my mobile as I wanted to text 'Happy Birthday' to a friend as I feared forgetting about it as the day progresses!! I am particularly bad at remembering dates [told about my inability to recalls things word to word while certain people are expert at it.. As if they recorded that conversation!!] and its just a few very special people who receive a greeting from me without any external force [friends or reminders] telling me about it again and again..

As I tossed in bed for a few more minutes, I got a call from my friend who is back from a month's holiday abroad.. As the phone was on silent [I don't switch off my cell but do keep it on silent before stepping in my bed], I got to see her number in the missed calls list.. As I texted her, Welcome back and started to brush my teeth [I don't have anything, not even water before brushing.. I am so obsessed with brushing, that I don't even utter a single word till i brush my teeth], she called again.. As I picked the phone and struggle to say a 'Hi Baby' with the foam in my mouth, she giggled and asked me how was I and what I were doing.. As I spat the foam to speak, I was also laughing.. Told her I was brushing my teeth and had foam in my mouth and we laughed about the way I said the 'Hi Baby'..

Her happiness could easily be sensed from her voice and she poured the question 'Did you miss me?' into my ears that were waiting eagerly to hear her again.. As soon as I said yes.. She uttered her favourite words - "Gandi.. You missed me while I didn't forget you at all.. Everyone rightly says your are bad.. Even you are right when you say I am bad.. You just don't express your feelings rightly.." And so on as I tried to break into the conversation..

I know that I don't express my feelings rightly.. I just want the person to know that I love and I care with my actions and not through words.. I can't even do great demonstrations to show I love but I feel if there is a connection, feelings are conveyed.. If not, no amount of shouting out loud "I Love You' helps.. It doesn't click.. At least not for me..

Sometimes I do wonder if I really lack on this front?
Don't know.. So far I feel I have been demonstrative enough but if someone still can't see, then they are blind.. I can't do anything more to let them know.. I feel its better to move on then stick there and be in pain while the other person doesn't understand your position, doesn't feel your pain.. It hold true for any relation.. Any consuming relation leaves you good for nothing and as you struggle to set yourself free, you would experience a slightly elevated pain.. But believe me - No Pain, No Gain..

So as I share this bit of wisdom with you guys, I myself struggle to let go some things, some people I am holding onto so fast while they are slipping away or have already moved on..

A visit to the college..

Yesterday, I went to the college to get the books for the next session.. I was too glad to know that we only have 4 books to deal with in the 7th semester.. The last year of B.E. not only invokes a deep sigh of relief but also the fear of not being able to be with all these people again.. The guys with whom I share this bus and these classes.. All these wonderful people won’t be there with me and I see the time of separation, the time of parting coming on so close, so unannounced!!

However you feel about it but, you have to go on with life.. Its funny that I am thinking about all this on the first day itself but sometimes it just becomes so inevitable not to wander in these territories.. These territories that actually signify the territory of your fears and insecurities!! Everyone has them but not everyone acknowledges them..

It was good to be back on that college bus that always took us to college.. Most of the faces were new but I didn’t get to see the faces I was waiting to see.. In fact I wanted to see!! Finally as the bus progressed on its designated route, I finally got to see an old bus mate.. It was really good to see him.. Then came in another gal who I find intelligent.. Now it seemed like that known territory.. Changes, How Badly I Despise Them.. I resisted and the new faces at first appeared like a threat to the integrity and originality of our bus but they seemed to blend in.. Not as people who wanted to change things.. It was such a relief..

I met my friends, we always behave like long lost friends whenever we meet.. So as we greeted each other with great compassion, group hugs followed.. As we met and talked about the time off each other, I somehow forgot about my fear and insecurity I was gripped by a few minutes ago..

As we finished our “Oh, I missed you so much!! And all, we talked about the stuffs that need to be done.. For which we were here.. So we drifted toward the fee counter still hanging onto the so many things we wanted to talk about only when we met.. We deposited the fees and moved on to the library..

The place I hated so much doesn’t give me that much a hard time now.. The staff now knows me and I am welcomed with smiles.. The whole process of book issuing was to start at 10, so instead of waiting in the library itself, I opted to go and meet ‘Grand Pa’.. No, don’t open your eyes that wide, my real Grand pa is not employed with the college as staff or faculty, if it were so, then I would have got full 50 in each subject as internals.. He is an old man of 66 who taught me ET in the first semester and really gave me the freedom I am used to since my schooling days.. To come and go at my own will from the lecture..[:D]
He always said he was like my Grand pa and also the special treatment wasn’t extended to all, so I was more than happy to be the most pampered of the lot!!;)
As all called him my ‘Daddu’, I was taking all the benefits with a childish grin.. He always listens to me and heeds to whatever request I make.. He even makes sure I had my breakfast in the morning.. [ I used to pretend that I didn’t had my breakfast and thus used to go to canteen on the pretext of taking a breakfast whenever the first lecture was of ET][:D] He would mark me present even if I didn’t return.. I think he always knew I was lying, but he still acted as if he gave into my master lying skills.. Let me show off more by telling you guys that he is a HOD.. I know you are jealous.. But that’s my luck.. So try to be happy for me..

So I met my ‘Grand Pa’ and we chatted about my holidays, my plans for future, my exams, my awaited result, etc.. Its good to be at the centre of talks..
We then talked about his college days and how he used to make his teachers a fool.. How hard he studied.. How much fun he had as a boy in Australia and the Casino fetish he enjoyed.. How he used to love gambling and the tricks and when to cash in and run away..[:D] Its amazing when you share experiences and try to live in the moment when others were on there greatest adventures as they narrate you the incident with minutest details.. You picture them as young, dressed in those days fashion, doing those silly things and then you definitely know they always saw through your trick and still act to be surprised when you reveal that you once tricked him into believing that you didn’t had your breakfast that morning..

As he asked me to have breakfast again with a witty smile and I declined politely, I knew he is pulling my leg.. But I tried to cover up for those lies by saying I have had mine..[:D] As we discuss my confusions about the decision I should take about my future, we talked about my other classmates and friends he knows.. Some come with me whenever I visit him.. We finally bade good byes and went onto finish off my library dealings for which I came to college.. He firmly believes I am intelligent and wants me to read all those bulky foreign writer books whenever I approach him with even a slight problem.. The next few ‘chit chat’ hours were followed by some lazy moments when we all longed for our beds to rest.. As we lay on the hard desks without our beloved pillows and looked at the fan revolve trying to take a nap.. Unable to get a doze in these inhuman conditions and also because of the constant stepping in and out of people, we gave up the idea all together.. As I again started chattering, as my friend hardly speak, compared to me who is always bustling with activities and whose mind is churning out a million words that I shoot out per second.. When we glanced at the watch, our mission was accompalished as we had spent the 7 and a half hour stay in college in the best possible way.. Chatting, sharing experiences and having fun in the most tiring situation..[:)]

why can't I ever decide???

Where should I start from?
The beginning?
The end?
Or my favourite, The end with the beginning interleaved in between??
Maybe you guys are bored of the regular flow of thoughts.. So let me try to begin from the start..

THE BEGINNING:
Since times memorable, I have been struggling with the
'Decision-Making' problem!! Let me try to explain to you the nature of this problem [for all those who don't understand the plight of us on this side of the road]..

THE DEFINITION:
It is the condition in which the subject, in this case me, can't make a choice when faced with a number of options.. It is also characterised by lack of will to make decision.. The problem is aggravated when the subject is put in the field of a superior authority, like parents..
The superior forces heighten the anxiety levels and depreciate the confidence of the subject.. The affecting field is strongest if the superior force is DAD!!
The subject can deal with the situation the next time the same crisis arises with the previous pattern of trouble shooting, but a new decision making problem is a situation that can't be combated without the inclusion of all the symptoms, in other word the whole process is repeated every time a new crisis situation arises..

This definition gives a clear idea about the problem..

Starting from the beginning.. When I was a child, it was always difficult to decide on the flavour of ice cream.. That problem was debugged by tasting all the available flavours over the years and sticking to a Vanilla and Butter scotch flavours as the only two option to be considered in the same order of priority..:D

But what seemed so easy to solve in the childhood became even more serious and malicious as time passed by.. The simple problem of choosing the flavour gave way to the tough problems I faced every time I went to the market with DAD [the superior force] to buy anything.. I either like everything or nothing...:P

The problems in the beginning can some how be coped with by putting on a childish shy smile while DAD [the superior force] bought you everything with a grin.. I loved it till the problems were just about buying things..


As the range of 'Decision Making' problems grew, I found myself unable to deal with them anymore.. The shy smile was of no good help now, as the problems were tougher and DAD [the superior force] wanted me to be more responsible..

In class 10, it was the first time the 'Decision Making' problem was something I found out to be the most tiring and consuming thing I had ever faced and the realisation that there would be more of it in the following years made me wanna cry!! In class 10, DAD called for me and asked me - "What have you thought of your future? What do you want to do?" This question was never ever put forward to me in all these years of growing up!! I went to school because I was groomed for it in the initial years and later because I didn't want to be like the street children and later friends were the only reason.. Moreover, I knew it was something my elder sister is doing, so I should also do it [remember the sibling rivalry stuff I wrote about, where I explained that we want to be at least comparable to our sibling].. So this question was the driving force to make me go through the entire 'Decision Making' problem shooting process.. As I struggled to show I had already thought over it, DAD [the superior force] busted my cover story and asked me to DECIDE and tell..


For the following days, I came up with careers like astronaut, journalist [not TV journalists like 'SANSANI', but English Daily reporter], archaeologist, historian, even a politician etc.. As I tried to find the subject I loved, I zeroed on Social Studies, Mathematics, English and Science.. I then talked to my MUM about the choices I have made [It is safer to test your solution to the problem with this force before putting it forward the Superior force, DAD].. I told her - "MUM, I want to study Social Studies as my main subjects in class 11".. Before I could complete my sentence, I saw the brutal axe of reality check coming.. "Are you mad? What would you do? Will you go around wearing 'khadi' and carrying a 'jhola'? What is the future?", my mother asked me, trying not to make it appear as an angry comment.. I knew the Reaction of DAD [the superior force] would be even more fierce!!


So what did I do? I went by the decision my sister made indirectly, the decision was actually made by DAD!! I thought of letting the marks in 10th decide my stream in 11th and 12th.. The result was good.. And being characterised a brilliant student, I was some how destined to join the medical section.. So I some how didn't make the decision..

Then I completed my senior secondary and gave the Medical entrance exams and couldn't really make it to the elite colleges in Delhi.. The others were too far from home for an indecisive being like me.. So I found myself in another 'Decision Making' situation.. What next?


Well I was given practically an hour to decide.. With a mind dealing with the 'Decision Making' problem syndrome, I couldn't decide in just an hour and thus the decision was taken by DAD [superior force] in this case too.. So I dropped an year to try my luck and test my knowledge against another 2 lakh brains again.. Well, I didn't show much improvement.. Scored almost the same rank, not to get through to a medical college in Delhi.. But meanwhile I had taken a decision to give Engineering entrance exam a try too.. Once called a Math Genius, [if you don't believe me, ask my school teachers and classmates.. Some of them have stored my number by the name MATH..:D... For others still in doubt I can show my DMC to prove I am still too good at maths] I had neglected maths in 11th and 12th taking it to be an extra subject.. So I gave the engineering entrance exams with whatever knowledge of chemistry and physics I had and attempted only a few questions of math.. Good enough to get me a seat in this engineering college.. Its fine to be here then nowhere.. So I finally made a decision to join this course and college..


Successfully made this decision 3 years ago, I am again faced with another 'Decision Making' situation.. What after B.E.? Believe me, others in my class have already started their preparations for MBA but I with this syndrome, I am still in the thought process while the field of the 'Superior Forces' are increasing, I am in constant pressure to stand up for myself and decide!!!

[ I tried to model for the expressions I wanted to show, may not be as good as professionals]

Learning a few things from a child, which we all know but somehow forget to implement..!!

Yesterday, I was out to shop for the basic necessity, a mobile [you all must agree on this].. As I have already talked a lot about the entire mobile thing in my life, I am not going to repeat it all over again.. What is it to talk about then, you must be wondering..

Yesterday on the traffic signal, as I waited for the signal to turn green, I quickly turned around to have a look at all the people with me at that crossing and more importantly notice anything funny or interesting to capture my idle mind.. As I strolled my eyes from one corner to another to avoid moving my head around, I noticed a family of 3 on a bike.. The man, in his late 30's, was firmly holding the bike in position while the woman, in her early 30's was doing her wind blown hair.. The child was sitting on the petrol tank of the bike, holding the handles in a fast grip of his little fists and was too cutely pretending of having full control on the bike.. As if he was driving it.. No doubt a child in such display of confidence looks the cutest thing in the waiting minutes for the signal to turn green [I know, now a days the signal goes red only for a minute or two, but these two minutes look like a whole hour when you are in a hurry].. The most amazing thing about the child was his very intelligent and sensible act of turning off the engine while we all waited impatiently for the signal to turn green.. Yes, the little cute kid turned off the engine while many a fools were still letting the engine run while they were still on a halt.. Such display of awareness at such a tender age made me feel a bit secure about the future of the nation that has every citizen dreaming about a dream nation and not doing anything to make that dream come true!! We all talk about the way things are in America or Britain or any other western country but we don't want to do anything at all to improve things here.. Some of us even claim that we Indians have a mindset and don't want to change.. That we are too backward and too insensible and irresponsible.. But seeing the child taking responsibility, I vowed to take more responsibility and turn of the lights and fans while leaving a room and all other little things we learned in school but some how forget to include in our daily lives..

If I inspire even a single person with this piece, like I was by that child's action, I know the job is done because he would inspire a few more and this habit will grow exponentially.. We have so much to learn and the toddlers are also great teachers to tell us to value these little but precious things..:)

got a new mobile..

I am particularly bad with Electronic goods and devices.. So every time I buy any electronic device, the first thing I think of is the life span of the device with me.. Mobiles, the worst section of electronic devices to be associated with me, have a real bad relationship with me.. No mobile has ever been able to live with me for too long.. They are doing fine with others, but with me, they prove to be too delicate..

Anyways, the last I had was good.. It was just fine for me as I am not good at handling things.. I either loose them, drop them in bath tubs or just throw them onto ground thereby smashing them in the process or the least offensive, use them to exhaustion.. But the end result is, I have to change them frequently.. So every time I am in dire need of one, I start the entire process of putting forward the proposal in a presentation followed by the price quotation.. I try to be quote as minimum a budget as possible as only God knows how long this one is going to last!!

But every time I buy a new one, I fall in love with it all over again.. This one is also cool and I like it a lot, so hope it lasts forever.. At least for sometime till I grow and learn to handle things..:D

nothing goes as planned ...!!!

We had an awesome plan.. We were to go out and watch a movie followed by lunch but some how things never go the way I have planned.. I was excited as I was really looking forward to watch that movie.. I don't understand why something I desperately want is what I don't ever get.. My life history is full of things I always wanted and I never got.. Things I plan in advance and wish it goes according to the plan.. But as soon as I finish with my planning and go to bed, the Devil sets on the mission to find the single loop hole in my planning, the single aspect I didn't plan and I overlooked or missed and creates his masterpiece around it to spoil my plan.. Sometimes I feel like letting my life run without a plan but that's so nomadic way of living so I end up planning out every move and then wonder who on earth thought even this plan could go wrong!!

So even this plan didn't see the daylight and was some how crippled by the fate's strange ways.. But I have learned to live with it.. We stayed indoors and played a lot of games and had a full feast at my friend's place..We played rummy and did a lot of photo shoots.. It was great fun.. Loud music and camera flashes made the day enjoyable as we tried as many different poses as we could and some were damn funny.. Chattered all through the day, laughed out loud and didn't bother to be diplomatic or correct but just talk.. Read things together and just love being ourselves...

Lesson learned:
Sometimes the most amazing moments in life are unplanned...

The word 'HONEST' leads to hypocrisy..!!

Honesty is good but is it feasible to be honest all the time.. I, who strongly believes in telling the truth with a little lie or a lie with a little truth, am always uncomfortable with the idea of a Complete Honest reply!!

Sorry, but its not something I believe in.. I am not a compulsive liar, nor am I against Honesty.. In fact, I am honest but with words, I tend to play.. You can't say I lied as it had some truth, but a damn honest reply is something that won't come out of me.. Even if I try to tell the brutal truth, I find myself fiddling with words and consciously changing the real words I wanted to say with something less fierce and something that gives me scope for manipulation later, in case the need arises.. Something that is more acceptable.. I would rarely say I didn't like it, when I am asked to give my opinion on something.. Many I times I feel that a sense of pride is associated with the question and I try not to offend by being honest.. Sometimes its the emotions that I try not to hurt with the brutal axe of words that may mar a person more than the physical bruises inflicted.. Physical bruises, I believe are healed but the one inflicted by waggy tongues aren't.. These grudges are nurtured with time and the bitterness increases..

Atleast I don't forget something so easily... I hold it against that person, though I may not exactly show it but the difference is still noticeable.. It takes time, sometimes a lifetime to take back things to as they were earlier.. So why this honesty in the first place?

I used the word hypocrisy because when we are at the receiving end, we tend to forget these above stated facts.. We purposely use the words 'Be Honest' at the end of our question to ensure we get to hear the truth, nothing but the truth.. We try to alert the conscience and judgemental capabilities and at the same time make them link each and every word they are going to use with ourselves as a whole.. We put them through this gruesome exercise while they struggle to find words that are least offensive.. When they are successful in being diplomatic, we comment - 'You weren't honest!! Be honest, I want to hear the truth..'

At this point I wonder is it the truth, 'The Honest Reply', they crave for or is it a way of hinting that 'Start Praising Me Now'??

I strongly believe in the second.. If you go to shopping with your friend and you like some particular dress and then you look at your friend for inputs, what kind of reaction do you get? Most often its a nod meant to say 'Yes, its good'.. How many times do you try on a new dress and ask 'How is it?' How many times you hear, "Its good'?

Most of the times we get these inputs.. How many times did your friend tell you - 'Are you out of your mind to wear it?'

The answer would rarely be a YES.. Why do you think they don't say it? Its not that they don't know its not looking good on you.. Neither they want you to look foolish by wearing that dress.. Its just that they fear being Honest and upsetting you.. When you are gleaming with happiness as you feel its too good, what on earth made you feel they'll spoil your mood?

Its just an example.. If you are alone with them and you ask for a brutal reply then maybe you'll get to hear it, but in public, forget it..

I tell the exact truth when I know it wont be a nasty scene.. When we are on phone or when we are alone discussing things formally.. I have learned it through pain but its what I am sticking to since ages.. :D

The most amazing display of hypocrisy comes when you sit on a round table in canteen with classmates and friends and a bottle in spun around to point to you.. Yes, the terrible game of 'Truth and Dare'... I hate the game.. Not that I am a coward.. I have done the most disgusting dares [that you can imagine], as I prefer dares to those silly truths where you have to tell the TRUTH while people ask you about anything from your personal life to the most gruelling activity you are subjected to.. Its called a kind of 'ice breaker' but I called it a 'tie breaker'.. Why?

Here we are asked to say something we like about all the people surrounding the table and something we dislike about them..!! Its much more difficult then running around the entire canteen on one feet!! I am comparing the two, as I have done both.. And believe me its easier to run on one feet then tell the 'so called truth' about all with all the eyes fixed on you and piercing you as soon as you speak out their name to say things about them!! Its difficult to say good things about everyone without repeating the words you have used, I feel like rushing my hands through my bag and reach out for the dictionary to find synonyms for the adjectives I have already used!! As you struggle to find equally good adjectives for each pair of prying eyes, inside running the word search, you pray that the next step be some how skipped!! As you finish it to every one's greatest satisfaction and take a sigh of relief, you are forced to go through the round two!!

ROUND TWO

Here comes the litmus test.. You are now supposed to say one thing you hate about them.. For the past few minutes as you were struggling with adjectives to say good things about them and did put up a great show by getting good round of applause from all, satisfying their egos, you some how didn't see this coming.. You were so involved in the first exercise that you forgot about the round 2!!

Imagine to struggle to find a 'I don't like in you' thing in them while not contradicting the qualities you attributed to them in round 1 and at the same time be least offensive!! It tests all your social, literary and diplomatic skills one and the same time.. I think I should tell the recruiters about the benefits of this exercise and how it can help them find the best minds!! I would thus ensure myself a great future, a good job for coming up with this amazing idea and would definitely be a prized possession of the company.. The best employee award.. Wow!! What an amazing distraction in this testing situation..

As every one was interested in hearing good things and learning by heart the adjectives I used for them, I wonder who to start with!!

I take the bull by the horns and start in the same sequence as round 1 giving the others to still feel proud of the adjectives of round 1 as I unleash hell of round 2..Cautiously I use my words, my mind working like a super computer checking every possible meaning of the word I am about to utter about the unsuspecting man!! As I speak a word a loud laugh and a few 'Oh, you are right' and 'that's not correct' can be heard and I defend saying 'Its my opinion, I may be wrong'.. Soon the most terrifying moments are over but still a discussion is being held on each word I used.. And I explain.. And explain.. At this point I wonder why do people ask for it when they can't take it? The word would be quoted in the future conversations along with my name and I wonder why they remember the adjectives I used to point out to the things I hate while the most splendid adjectives of their good qualities were soon forgotten!!!
As I deal with this hypocrisy and side effects of being honest and saying the truth, I vow not to choose TRUTH in my future encounter with the game, still safer, keep off the game, which is difficult as you would be labelled 'Unsocial' for the rest of your life.. :D

Its Friendship day!!

Its the 1st sunday of August and I am texting 'Happy Friendship Day' to all my good friends.. Its so amazing to wake up in the morning and check your inbox for all the text messages you received when you were in the Dream world.. I woke up to the various lovely messages wishing me Happy Friendship Day.. Some of them came in as the clock struck 12 while others as late as 3:46 and as early as 4:02 in the morning and as I read them I was immensely happy to know that I was the first thing my friend thought of as soon as they opened their eyes even for a few seconds from their deep sleep.. Its gives a feeling of immense joy and utmost importance.. I particularly like being made to feel I am damn important and special.. Its the way I am.. Pampered and loved.. I love to brag about the utmost priority I have in my friend's life..

The feelings are mutual.. Even I love all of them, some too naughty and witty, some too cute and sentimental, some sometimes annoying, some always pulling my leg, some always patting my back, some look upto me and take my advice and stick to whatever I say, but one thing is common in all of them - they all like me the way I am and all of them support me in all my decisions and boost me when I am feeling low..

All of their own ways to show they care.. Some say it all the time, some won't ever say it but we know somethings.. Somethings are so obvious, that need not be said.. Its always good to hear things but its even more joy when you know somethings are better unsaid and yet understood...

Wishing you all a very very Happy Friendship Day..

Love all my Friends...

[All the photos are copyright of the respective sites]

there is nothing that can't be resolved by talking over..!!

A few hours and a bath later I have cooled down a bit and I was in a mood to talk... What had Shona done?? Well, she went to college to collect books on her own, without telling us.. Earlier on my blog I wrote about the fact that she thinks and re-thinks about every decision we took.. So this time too she acted on her impulse and went on her own to the college..

I had called her on her cell which she didn't pick and then later on her land line number.. Her mother then informed me that she had gone to the college to collect books.. This is how I came to know about it and thus was so mad to know about it from her mother when I called her.. Maybe I wouldn't have been that mad if she told it to me herself in the first place.. I then checked with the other friend to know if she also felt like going without informing me.. Thankfully, she didn't go and that was the only relief I had in those few minutes..

As I was about to write this one, she called in to explain and talk over it.. Of course, I was in my taunting self, but she asked me if I were fine and I replied in an affirmative as she began defending her case... She told me the parental pressure had prompted her to go and get those damn books and also that this way she feels relaxed to have got the job done in time and sit back...'In Time', I felt like a kind of arrow had pierced me, a suggestive of me being way too laid back.. I was still in a mood to act as a spoiler and told her that she hasn't got the entire set yet, so no need to be so relaxed and happy on this stupidity of hers... To this she laughed like I have cracked a joke and I could see myself melting.. Now with a more understanding tone, I tried to explain her why I was so mad but she very childishly said - "I know I am stupid and I accept it... But I also know that you can still deal with it.."

Not the exact solution but definitely something that makes me forgive her as yet.. But if you are reading it, Sweety don't push your luck too far as you know when I am mad, I am not in a mood to listen and my anger triggers a button in my sub-conscience, that makes me remember all past mistakes the person committed, that makes me even more mad.. I try too hard to keep any relation going but if it feels like exhausting me, you know I leave.. Don't make me do that ... Try to curb your such irresponsible behaviour so that I may not feel to push the "Get Outta here" button in my internal program...

I am so infuriated!!

As I sit and write this piece, I am too infuriated and I wanna get this pain outta me as soon as possible.. Its something that is making me so weak inside.. As I quiver with the mixed emotions I am feeling, I decided to let it out rather than letting it making me weak inside... I hate being weak.. Love to put up a brave face and tell everyone that I am I fine and its nothing that's bothering me... That nothing in this world is big enough to make me experience anxiety but I do quiver with fear, it brings out the best of us but quivering with this anger and pain is surely not what I enjoy..

I know people around me feel I have anger management problem, but I feel its not a problem as long as you know its there and that its bad for you.. As I try everyday to control this anger, I feel I am empowering it more by letting it know that I fear it.. Anger, I am controlling it and I am quite successful so far as I know I can think about a situation with a calmer mind...

But what should one do when the one you trust makes you mad!!

One you regard as a friend, someone you love and care for.. Its the real tester.. As I did write about the fact that how one of my friends just cant let her mind rest in peace.. She is the reason of this little anxiety and discomfort I am in right now.. I have had enough discussions with her regarding this habit of hers... I don't know what's her problem?? I try to adjust but she makes me feel that I just can't fit in!!


No need to look at the above statement with doubt, I have done whatever I could to make it right, but seems that its going beyond what I can take on!! I did talk to Neha, who as I wrote earlier takes all the pain to keep things going, but this other friend makes it impossible to go on as one.. There are a number of issues and believe me I have adjusted far too much.. Whoever knows me knows it that I don't adjust beyond a limit.. I am not that super-flexible personality that takes on a lot of things and still puts up a nice smile.. When I am not amused, I show it ... Loud and clear and its time now that she tastes what she is putting me through all these years..

Adjustments are to be made by both and I am damn good with maths to know that she has done little to help it.. Just listening to me when I am talking isn't all that is required from a friend.. They need to understand too, not just hear you.. And that's where she lacks.. She hears me and doesn't understand me a lot.. Of course, she can make out the real meaning of my ever twisted sentences but the meanings, well I am scared they aren't perceived... Or not conveyed .. Its high time we clear this mess and know what's exactly is the problem - she not perceiving me or I am not conveying it!!


I feel I have good communication skills and I just can't believe that there is some fault with my transmission.. Well it clearly means the receiver is faulty, assuming air as the medium doesn't manipulate my words!!

Well I am not assuming anything and we would sit and conduct all the experiments in a controlled environment with the inputs from other associates to come to conclusion.. To know whose fault is it and can it be fixed?? Or is it an indication to let the lava flow into her ear and let her shed some tears.. I am being too cruel or rude but I am in pain and need something to soothe my aching nerves!!

My nerves seem to have calmed down a bit till the allergen strikes again to make me go mad again and I'll ensure that all lines of communication are intact and each and every word that I utter then is perceived and well understood followed by a "DO YOU COPY?" So I am not in a doubt about my capabilities again!!

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