Hatred ..

I wonder if we can ever justify this human trait..

Sometimes we blame it on their behavior, sometimes on plain negative vibes we receive from them, but we all talk about it at some point of time..

Who do I hate? Its not important.. What is important is why we tend to justify it?

Just because we were taught that in school that it is a negative trait and now since we feel hatred and others can very well notice it, that we try to justify it?

Or is it because we want to still feel good about ourselves.. The point is same, its just for those who say, 'they don't care about what people think about them'..

While I try to go into the emotion, I wonder why is hatred such a bad thing?

I hate so many things and a few people too.. But something must have gone wrong to trigger this in me.. Similarly, all the movies would be pointless if there wasn't this hatred thing.. Imagine any movie and it is the hatred for crime, the revenge or just the dislike the Villain or Hero have..!!

Well, my point is, hating something is cool, but you should always keep a check on the feeling as we all know from our practical experiences that 'Excess of everything is bad'.. ;)

This heart breaking LOVE..

My friend is upset.. Very upset..

I could make out that something is wrong the moment I picked the receiver, asked her if everything was alright.. A yes, was all she said, but I could feel the discomfort in her voice.. I didn't felt like pressing her too hard [don't subject people to what I wont like to face myself], so as we talked about stuffs I did, I was still wondering what was behind her sadness..

I asked her what all she did and for a first time she didn't give me a minute to minute detail of things she did!! She is very descriptive, even more than I seem here.. May be its a quality I picked from her, like she picked a few from me..[:)]

As she said nothing in a very monotonous and low voice, I knew something was bothering her.. I asked again, is everything alright?? She was saying a yes again, while I could hear her voice quiver.. I knew there was something, but I wasn't sure what it was.. I wasn't interested in making wild guesses this time.. Most of the time I say something and would shout "Touch wood" the very next moment.. I have these strange coincidences where all the foul things I say come true.. A God's gift!! I don't think it is!!

So, as I refrained self from being too pessimistic and making wild guesses, I asked her and getting a contradictory reply made me wonder what it is!! As I almost believed whatever she said, I was ready to put down the phone and go back to catch up with the TV show I was watching!!

A few hours later, all tired and exhausted I hit the bed.. Putting the phone on silent is almost a religion now, so doing it was some kind of satisfaction..

My sister saw a blinking mobile, thinking it was hers, she got up from the bed just to discover it was mine.. Handed over the phone to me to lie down again.. As I saw the number flashing on the screen, I almost remembered what I felt when I talked to her.. That she was upset and not in a mood to talk about it..

I answered the phone, wore my slippers and quickly slipped out of my room to sit in other room and talk to her for hours.. We don't let anyone attend calls in the bedroom as it disrupts other's sleep.. As I walked down the lobby to the other room, I was asking her if she was fine and what was the thing troubling her..

As she started with my favourite line, I knew she was feeling too low and was too sentimental and emotional at the moment.. BTW, my favourite line is "Nikki, You know something.. You are really very very nice.." [I know this sounds like a too pompous, but I love it when someone says it].. So as she sobbed and I agreed to her line, [she doesn't like it when I don't agree with the fact that I am too good!![;)]] I was trying to make her to come to the point..

Well, her good friends were parting ways.. And now since that was a relation she helped build and nurtured with great effort, I knew the pain she felt.. The news of their break up was a shock to me too.. I met them and they looked fine, in fact great together and I just couldn't find a reason to think it was called for.. I didn't see it coming [with my level of negativity regarding relations, I can say, I can see it coming, I can predict it.. But in their case, even I didn't feel it was something I would hear..].. As I tried to reconfirm what I heard, I wondered what could possibly have gone wrong!!

As in the Enrique's song, 'Love, you never know the minute it ends suddenly'.. I wonder if it was the final destination of the various high school and college relationships.. Its always difficult to see it coming.. The 'Break up', it just comes out of nowhere and strikes you hard and even before you could know, the beautiful world you created is gone.. Swept by a wind, washed by a tide, it just leaves a few devastated people behind, a broken man/woman and lots of tears.. Though not many guys moan it like girls do!!

I didn't see a guy crying, while we girls, I don't understand why we get so attached to someone that we feel broken when they leave.. Whatever it be, the hormones or our lack of strength [that's what people call] but after a days of shedding tears day and night, we emerge stronger.. We are able to face the situation and learn to move on..

I wish my friend's friend too gets that strength and my friend too gets over this shock of their break up!! While I try to relearn a lesson learnt by heart, that such relations are not meant to last!! That they are the first trees to fall, when the wind is strong!!

The Facebook experience...

I told you that I have joined Facebook and I am yet to get the 'I belong' feeling..

Well, a few days later, I have got that feeling..

I am enjoying these online games..

I am playing 3 games on Facebook right now..

1. Farm Ville
2. Vampire Wars
3. Mafia Wars

Farm Ville

This was the first application I used on Facebook.. I knew about this online game, thanks to newspapers and friends and I wanted to see what exactly is this game all about? What is it that keeps people glued to it and spend hours on it.. Newspapers claim that some people are becoming addicted to it that they wake in the middle of the night to harvest their crops or they will wilt!!![:)]... I wanted to feel that rush and madness too and wanted to know if it can really capture my imaginations for days!!!

Well, I played the game, I am on level 5 now.. I liked the game, loved to harvest crops and plough my land too.. My first set of crops wilted in the farm because I wasn't sure when they would be ready to harvest, but then I learned it next time.. Harvested a great yield and bought self a cherry tree, a plum tree, an orange and an apple tree.. Bought self a cow and a hen and got two yellow ribbons.. My farm is a small one and I have great ambitions..[:)]

Did I get those panic attacks.. Frankly speaking, yes I did.. I was worried about my crop when my first wilted and I was short on cash!! But I am cooler now.. Its going all fine..[:)]

(My farm picture)

Vampire Wars

I started playing this game almost immediately.. You know how fascinating I find these creatures of dark, The undead.. So, I signed up for this online game too enthusiastically.. I named my vampire Olivia and I was enjoying feasting on blood, killing other creatures and completing missions.. I rose to level 8 and was more than happy with the way my game was progressing till all the people decided to fight me.. I didn't bother self much about the clan and didn't build it.. Wasted a few favour points on buying health, while it it restored itself in a few hours.. I should have bought clan members.. Now everyone is attacking me and i don't know what to do with it.. I am loosing all my fights and wonder what's next!!

My main aim now is to earn enough favour points to have a clan member to help me fight more of such threats!! Send invites to friends?? Lets see what to do!!

(My Vampire 'Olivia')

Mafia Wars

I joined these mafia wars today itself.. The greatest plus point is that I am a member of a gang of strength 18.. I am happy, I wont be victimised here as I am not alone here.. Within a day I have earned my character, 'Emillie', a great place as a fearless fighter who has a property and various offense and defence items and who is completing jobs at great pace!! I am on level 6 and I achieved the 'Working Man' status in my gang..[;)]

Its quite fun to fight in a group rather than my lonely vampire.. I'll do something about it soon..

The 'I don't like it anymore syndrome'...

I don't like an off when everyone is going to be at home.. Its a feeling I get after I had been wanting to spend time with everyone for quite sometime..

I think almost everyone has had such a feeling.. Its a feeling that you have when you don't want a thing you once wanted.. I get this feeling way too frequently.. I want something now and may be I won't like to have it the next moment.. Its worse when you get this 'I don't want it now' feeling when you have already got the object it signifies.. I have been dealing with it for way too long..

Once I wanted this dress, I was longing for it .. Thinking about it day and night.. And then I bought it.. And now, I don't want it.. I wonder, why I bought it in the first place.. What did I like in it?? This change of taste and attitude is sometimes harder to deal with.. [It was too easy to shut that dress off in some corner]

Its when you feel same about a living being.. Another human being for instance.. I think for a pet too, it would be a very taxing situation.. It may be the reason why my mum shudders even at the prospects of having a pet.. Though I promise her day in and day out that I would take responsibility of all the aspects regarding rearing and nurturing it, of its upbringing, to be more precise.. Oh god!! again I am wandering off the main topic..

I think its difficult to understand for a 'Die-hard Romantic', but others who are more realistic would agree.. We just wake up one day and all the love we had, I think it wasn't love, well, I feel liking is a better suited word.. The point is, we don't like it with the same zest anymore!! We may pretend to have the same feelings, but I feel this pretending won't hide the facts for too long!! Then you try to look at all the flaws and negatives about that person and are busy finding reasons to break free..

I feel, its in the best interest of both the concerned parties to come clean.. Just make them sit and spill it out in front of them.. Its always better to have a one on one conversation.. I would prefer to say it out once and for all to the person.. This way I would save self from being fake, [Oh!! I hate that fake smile that is supposed to mean approval or 'yes, I am paying attention to whatever you are saying', while all this while, inside I am feeling just the opposite].. I won't have to put up with someone I don't like..[You all know how much I dislike hypocrisy]...

I know, you must be thinking that its easy to be the one getting this, 'I am fed up feeling'.. Seems she has never been the other party.. I am not sure, if I were ever the second party, because no one ever had the courage to tell me that 'I am over you'.. Its not necessary that only a boyfriend has the right to say so, even your friends, teachers or just classmates can say this to you..

The point is I would like to hear the line with a reason, to a moron ignoring me day in day out.. I won't kill you for saying that certain aspects of my personality are just not that interesting to you anymore.. It would be nicer than blowing me off the handle every time we are together or I try to talk to you.. Walk up to me, tell your problem and we would see if we could fix it or not.. Whether its the final call or not.. Whether we can still adjust or ignore or accept it more gracefully or not..

I am lucky to have honest conversation with most of my good friends.. Some friends that I am no longer in contact with know why we lost touch.. They know why I wasn't talking to them or why I am not talking to them now.. Why I am angry.. And we try to resolve the matter or come to a compromise.. But I hate some who have left some question marks!! I don't know what went wrong.. I sometimes get upset over the fact that I don't know why it didn't work out.. I want answers.. I want replies.. I wonder for sometime.. Struggle to get it right.. Or know the reason.. And as it should be, one day just wake up without even a trace of it in my system.. Then, I don't want to know what happened, what could have it been like if we talked about it.. I am happy, I am not wasting anymore of my energy on a dead relation in my life.. I can now use this energy conserved to build another relation that I hope to nurture till I get that 'I don't want it anymore' feeling again!!...[;)]

The tests are over and we got another stint with holidays..

Yesterday was the last day of studying so hard..

It was the day of our last internal evaluation tests.. I hate the sincerity now attached with the centralized tests!! As I wrote once, I hate internal evaluation as they grill us throughout the year!! I wish I could put an end to it, or at least wish that the students in my class took it less seriously.. Seeing them all burying their heads in the pile of books, I feel I'll be left behind if I don't do the same.. You can say peer pressure makes me read for these exams.. But still I did go to college unprepared for the demeaning test!! It was a very strange bad feeling that I get whenever I see myself lagging behind on the scoreboard.. It drives me mad and brings me to my senses.. [The success rate, however, is 1 in 10.. But still I love that 10 percent chance change]..[:)]

Now since we have got an amazing off [We aren't showing up till October 6], I was wondering how I would spend these 10 days.. As I know no amount of planning would help, I am letting impulse and the demand of the moment guide me spend these 10 amazing offs that I got!!!

DAY 1

It has all been sorted.. I am going to pay my cousin a visit.. We are going to their place to spend some time together and have some fun.. Lets see how great or bad it turns out to be..[;)]

My recent fixation..

I develop strange fixations, likings and obsessions time to time.. What's my latest fixation?

Well, I have fallen in love with the idea of Vampires.. Strangely I don't find them evil as they are mostly shown.. No, its not the result of watching 'Twilight'.. Neither because of the HBO TV series, 'True blood'...

I was always fascinated with Vampires.. I always fancied them.. I wanted to know how it feels to be them.. I remember watching Discovery channel's presentation on the medieval England and Vampires.. I wondered if it is true.. I still am clueless if they existed or do they still exist.. Dangerous and mystical and so intriguing.. I would search for every possible information available on the subject.. Over the years all the mythological beings have been proved to exist.. The latest I remember was the discovery of a 'Dragon'.. That mythological animal with 4 limbs, wings and that breathed fire.. They lived as recently as 16th century.. Oh my God!! I was watching the entire series on Discovery without batting an eyelid.. So mesmerised and so deeply engrossed that at one point I heard my Dad laughing at me..


It is extinct now, but I wonder if it were still breathing in some part of the world as it had adapted to live on so long after the extinction of Dinosaurs.. It can live on land, desert and in mountains, in seas and forests.. Wonder where on earth a living one pops out and breathes fire on unsuspecting people just like a sci-fi movie..[:] Godzila?? Maybe..

But recently the movie 'The Queen of the Damned' made me realise the long forgotten love for the being.. The male protagonist was so captivating.. Lestat was just the vamipre I always dreamt of.. He was mysterious, not proud of his powers, somewhat lonely, just like any other normal being, not willing to live as a creature of the dark.. Just like a normal human being, and I wonder if it were not a fiction, what would they be like? Somewhat like Lestat or the devilish types shown in other movies??


I wonder the day some scientific evidence to support the existence of Vampires would be presented in front of us and we would be discussing the various details of his anatomy.. To know how it can live to eternity.. Indefinitely.. And how exactly they die if they are immortal..

[The photos are the copyrights of the respective sites]

Why am I waiting so anxiously for the result??

I don't know why I am the only one desperately waiting for result.. All my classmates and friends aren't really eager to have a look at the results, but I am.. Everyone's parents are anxious by now, some even to the point of accusations that the result is out and they are hiding it from them.. Today, even my dad asked me about my result.. I was telling him how apprehensive even I was about it.. And how eagerly I await the DMC to analyse my performance..

I am a bit nervous this time.. Most of the time I almost know what my result is gonna be.. I am right too.. You know it, I told you I am good with my forecasts..[;)] This time I was ill, down with fever and had gone to the examination hall so unprepared and not so sure-footed.. I had just revised two units and the previous night, I was feeling so weak, even couldn't lift my arms.. As I cried in my bed after taking medicine, I saw my body temperature rising every hour and Mum asked me to relax and take a nap.. While my eyes were laden with sleep, I was crying and not able to sleep.. Finally the medicines did their part and I was sleeping..

I woke up at 7 in the morning.. Couldn't get time to revise and was shaking with fear.. I am so blank.. What am I gonna do? My body temperature was 101 and my eyes again red because of crying.. I decided not to go to college at all... Yeah, I gave up before trying.. If that's what you were thinking like my parents.. They wanted me to go.. I felt they were monsters for indicating that they wanted me to go.. Well, now I feel, it was good to take a chance, I was to reappear anyways..

I was now determined to go as I felt I won't let them recite it again and again forever, till I live that I didn't even give it a try and I was so damn idiot not to prepare for exams in advance.. How can you explain things to elders, I am clueless.. Everyone says I am good at convincing but with the matters of studies to discuss at hand, I can never convince them.. I went still feeling bitter about the whole experience.. Revised as much as I could in the journey to college.. But I was again blank as soon as I stepped into the examination hall.. I looked at the question paper.. I was dazed... Now repenting to act to satisfy my ego.. But, then I attempted the paper to my greatest capabilities and left as soon as we were allowed to leave the hall.. As I gathered myself to drag my exhausted body out of that suffocating place, my friend asked me to tell him the answer to a question.. I was angry.. I didn't know much, that is why I was out so early and he unknowingly stepped on the most aching nerve.. Then, I felt like shouting on him, but I controlled myself and left..

Cheating wasn't an option for me.. It was the hardest luck.. I and Paro love to confirm answers in the exams too, obviously in class tests we discuss them.. That day I was to sit on the last desk and Paro was on the first desk of the other row.. Too long a distance for even the Master of the art of Cheating..[;D] So, I couldn't copy even a single answer to float comfortably off the crisis.. Otherwise I would have been comfortable and confident of clearing the damn paper..[:(]

After the paper Paro expressed her sympathy for my luck and asked me to take proper rest and not worry about it.. I strongly believe in the age old saying, 'What is done is done' and move on.. I don't pester over it and depress myself by thinking over it again and again.. Forget and move on is my rule..

So, yes I am anxious to know how I fared and how hard was my luck.. How I sailed through or flunked in these testing times..[:D] Keeping my fingers and toes crossed..[;)]
Touch wood..

why can't I ever decide???

Where should I start from?
The beginning?
The end?
Or my favourite, The end with the beginning interleaved in between??
Maybe you guys are bored of the regular flow of thoughts.. So let me try to begin from the start..

THE BEGINNING:
Since times memorable, I have been struggling with the
'Decision-Making' problem!! Let me try to explain to you the nature of this problem [for all those who don't understand the plight of us on this side of the road]..

THE DEFINITION:
It is the condition in which the subject, in this case me, can't make a choice when faced with a number of options.. It is also characterised by lack of will to make decision.. The problem is aggravated when the subject is put in the field of a superior authority, like parents..
The superior forces heighten the anxiety levels and depreciate the confidence of the subject.. The affecting field is strongest if the superior force is DAD!!
The subject can deal with the situation the next time the same crisis arises with the previous pattern of trouble shooting, but a new decision making problem is a situation that can't be combated without the inclusion of all the symptoms, in other word the whole process is repeated every time a new crisis situation arises..

This definition gives a clear idea about the problem..

Starting from the beginning.. When I was a child, it was always difficult to decide on the flavour of ice cream.. That problem was debugged by tasting all the available flavours over the years and sticking to a Vanilla and Butter scotch flavours as the only two option to be considered in the same order of priority..:D

But what seemed so easy to solve in the childhood became even more serious and malicious as time passed by.. The simple problem of choosing the flavour gave way to the tough problems I faced every time I went to the market with DAD [the superior force] to buy anything.. I either like everything or nothing...:P

The problems in the beginning can some how be coped with by putting on a childish shy smile while DAD [the superior force] bought you everything with a grin.. I loved it till the problems were just about buying things..


As the range of 'Decision Making' problems grew, I found myself unable to deal with them anymore.. The shy smile was of no good help now, as the problems were tougher and DAD [the superior force] wanted me to be more responsible..

In class 10, it was the first time the 'Decision Making' problem was something I found out to be the most tiring and consuming thing I had ever faced and the realisation that there would be more of it in the following years made me wanna cry!! In class 10, DAD called for me and asked me - "What have you thought of your future? What do you want to do?" This question was never ever put forward to me in all these years of growing up!! I went to school because I was groomed for it in the initial years and later because I didn't want to be like the street children and later friends were the only reason.. Moreover, I knew it was something my elder sister is doing, so I should also do it [remember the sibling rivalry stuff I wrote about, where I explained that we want to be at least comparable to our sibling].. So this question was the driving force to make me go through the entire 'Decision Making' problem shooting process.. As I struggled to show I had already thought over it, DAD [the superior force] busted my cover story and asked me to DECIDE and tell..


For the following days, I came up with careers like astronaut, journalist [not TV journalists like 'SANSANI', but English Daily reporter], archaeologist, historian, even a politician etc.. As I tried to find the subject I loved, I zeroed on Social Studies, Mathematics, English and Science.. I then talked to my MUM about the choices I have made [It is safer to test your solution to the problem with this force before putting it forward the Superior force, DAD].. I told her - "MUM, I want to study Social Studies as my main subjects in class 11".. Before I could complete my sentence, I saw the brutal axe of reality check coming.. "Are you mad? What would you do? Will you go around wearing 'khadi' and carrying a 'jhola'? What is the future?", my mother asked me, trying not to make it appear as an angry comment.. I knew the Reaction of DAD [the superior force] would be even more fierce!!


So what did I do? I went by the decision my sister made indirectly, the decision was actually made by DAD!! I thought of letting the marks in 10th decide my stream in 11th and 12th.. The result was good.. And being characterised a brilliant student, I was some how destined to join the medical section.. So I some how didn't make the decision..

Then I completed my senior secondary and gave the Medical entrance exams and couldn't really make it to the elite colleges in Delhi.. The others were too far from home for an indecisive being like me.. So I found myself in another 'Decision Making' situation.. What next?


Well I was given practically an hour to decide.. With a mind dealing with the 'Decision Making' problem syndrome, I couldn't decide in just an hour and thus the decision was taken by DAD [superior force] in this case too.. So I dropped an year to try my luck and test my knowledge against another 2 lakh brains again.. Well, I didn't show much improvement.. Scored almost the same rank, not to get through to a medical college in Delhi.. But meanwhile I had taken a decision to give Engineering entrance exam a try too.. Once called a Math Genius, [if you don't believe me, ask my school teachers and classmates.. Some of them have stored my number by the name MATH..:D... For others still in doubt I can show my DMC to prove I am still too good at maths] I had neglected maths in 11th and 12th taking it to be an extra subject.. So I gave the engineering entrance exams with whatever knowledge of chemistry and physics I had and attempted only a few questions of math.. Good enough to get me a seat in this engineering college.. Its fine to be here then nowhere.. So I finally made a decision to join this course and college..


Successfully made this decision 3 years ago, I am again faced with another 'Decision Making' situation.. What after B.E.? Believe me, others in my class have already started their preparations for MBA but I with this syndrome, I am still in the thought process while the field of the 'Superior Forces' are increasing, I am in constant pressure to stand up for myself and decide!!!

[ I tried to model for the expressions I wanted to show, may not be as good as professionals]