The result is finally out..

Our result has been declared.. I didn't flunk in any of the tough subjects..

I was on the way to my friend's house when I got a text from a friend that the result has been declared.. I wasn't nervous, didn't get those butterflies in my stomach feeling.. I was calm..

I took my phone and gave a call to the friend whose place I was headed towards.. Told her to check on the net as there are strong rumours that the result has been declared.. [We call it rumours until we get calls telling us their scores and asking us to disclose ours]

So as I reached her place, I was greeted with a tensed environment.. the result and the recent tiff.. The result was last I wanted to think about at that moment..[I know all this while I was so desperate to have a look at my score, but sometimes the things you desperately wanted all this while isn't that important]

I know the above statements are definitely contradictory to whatever I was saying all this while.. But the tiff is more important with a friend..

We were in college on Thursday contrary to our rule of not showing up on Thursdays.. [I break the rules I made myself, am flexible to some extent].. Why did we go isn't an issue.. [I don't just wanna start a fight on every small excitation].. So though unwillingly, I showed up.. I was trying to run away from the place as soon as possible.. So was trying to figure out ways and means..

I wonder why can't we see things coming..[Not in the physical sense, I meant troubles].. Everything was fine, we were attending the lab which was the only reason of showing up and then, as there weren't many people around, it was an amazing day to sit and chat.. I was talking to Kannu till we called it a day.. Talking about a number of things and people.. Kannu wasn't showing up either but later decided to come.. Anyways, in the end it turned into something of a sour taste.. Whatever may be the sequence of actions, it wasn't my fault..

I was headed to my friend's place to sort out the mess.. I was determined to just make things alright or put an end to it forever.. I just can't live with a few disturbing things, I try to talk about it and devise a mutually acceptable result.. No compromises for anyone!! Don't like to put people through something that I don't want to be subjected to myself.. I like to play a fair game!!

The policy of equality.. Whether it works or not is altogether a different issue, but I just can't subject self to such taxing situation where you are upset about all the recent happenings and wonder how to take things to the previous state or in a new direction.. I take things in my own hands and build them or spoil them.. I don't want to have a 'WHAT IF' in my life.. Its when you wonder all your life, 'what if I took the chance?', 'what if I gave it a try?', etc..

In short no 'what ifs' for me..

What was the reason for the displeasure that day?

Well, she was being too possessive.. I am someone who can't be at one place all the time.. I am like the wind, that is always on the move.. So, I meet you, spend a little time and move on.. I just feel suffocated and captivated when my freedom is restricted!! The tighter you try to hold me, the faster I slip through your fingers, just like sand..[;)] [I am good at similes]..

She wanted me to spend all my time with her.. Shona is sometimes a bit difficult.. I don't understand her.. This was never an issue between us.. She always understood this quality in me.. This unexplainable restlessness.. That I can't be at one place, with one person all the time!!

I am someone who just can't be happy when made a captive, then why has she started being this way? God, most of my friends turn into this kinda being sooner or later.. They want me to stick to them.. If I am attached to someone, I come back.. Never go too far away.. Just like a kite that's free, up in air, yet attached to someone via a thread.. So, if the thread holding me to you is too tensed, I break away.. [I know, too dramatic, but that's the way things are with me]

The discussion and fighting finally led to an accepted fact that I can't be bounded.. That I be let free.. No need to be so insecure, as I won't try to flee unless you try to hold on too fast to me..[:)]

Lessons learnt and trouble sorted.. I just hope the outcome of the discussion is memorized!!

And we don't find ourselves discussing it again!! Phew...

a little excerpt from my diary..

I wasn't able to write this on my blog there and then because of my silly machine [I am in this love hate relationship with my computer, so please don't tell me not to loath this machine so much]..

It was..

13 August 2009

Wednesday

What kind of a day was yesterday? I was out with my friend and as we struggled through all the beautiful pieces to look out for something she could gift to her brother, I wondered what exactly is a boy kinda thing in the Archie's gallery.. As we moved from one display rack to another and I held out the various artifacts which she declined saying her brother would find them way too girly, I wondered if we would ever find something apt for her brother here..

Before entering this gallery, we went to a book store [I like reading books], where it was difficult for me to zero on a novel while I wanted almost each put on for sale in the fiction section.. As I started collecting many of the novels by Dan Brown and Will Smith, my friend read the briefing on the book cover to help me get one apt novel.. As I struggled to choose one , the 'decision making' problem cropping in, I asked her to take me away from the store so that I don't end up shouting what should I buy and what should I leave.. Finally contented with a dictionary and a Dan Brown novel, we left the store to counter my fetish for a clutch.. As we picked a nice one, we were already running short on cash.. To prevent draining more on unnecessary stuff [later my purchases were categorised as 'this' by the 'Superior force'], we headed straight to the gallery..

As we entered through the gallery's door, I knew I was to face the worst form of the 'decision making' problem.. As I strolled past the first section of displayed potential gifts, I hurriedly decided to ask for the budget to prevent self from hovering in the forbidden territories.. Its so disgusting to know you can't afford to buy something right away when you have already made it the perfect gift of your dreams for the occasion.. So we started off to run across the various display racks with the budget in mind.. I liked a few teddies [Oh! I love them] and artifacts, but my friend informed me about his brother's apprehension about 'girly things'.. That any kind of teddy and affectionate thing with even a slightest hint of pink is a big NO-NO for him..

As I had scanned most of the shelves, I discovered my inability to buy gifts for others.. I was looking at everything as a gift I would like to get and thus was particularly unsuited to act as a sub-ordinate for gift shopping for a guy in his teens, who is very apprehensive of any hint of femininity in his room.. So my friend said with a smile - 'You are incredibly unhelpful'.. [:D]

In my desperation to finish this quest for a perfect gift, I held out every possible gift item with a smile, explaining how it would be just apt for her brother, like an amazing sales girl for the store.. By this time, she was laughing out loud.. Anything she selected was put down by me and after selecting a card, we found ourselves running twice through the gallery and I still kept swearing by a teddy that according to me wasn't 'girly'.. Oh!! how desperately I wanted it to end!!

Finally, I noticed the Mugs and I coaxed her to buy one.. How on earth my blinkered eyes that were hindered by the sight of those 'Oh! so huggable teddies' just didn't let me see and consider the safest gift, the Mugs, in the first two round trips around the gallery.. As we finally picked an amazing mug and got it wrapped, we were relieved and finally concluded that I would gift all the men in my life, the gifts I want for myself, maybe as an indicator of what they should buy for my next birthday!! [;)]

[All the photos are the copyright of the respective sites]

there is nothing that can't be resolved by talking over..!!

A few hours and a bath later I have cooled down a bit and I was in a mood to talk... What had Shona done?? Well, she went to college to collect books on her own, without telling us.. Earlier on my blog I wrote about the fact that she thinks and re-thinks about every decision we took.. So this time too she acted on her impulse and went on her own to the college..

I had called her on her cell which she didn't pick and then later on her land line number.. Her mother then informed me that she had gone to the college to collect books.. This is how I came to know about it and thus was so mad to know about it from her mother when I called her.. Maybe I wouldn't have been that mad if she told it to me herself in the first place.. I then checked with the other friend to know if she also felt like going without informing me.. Thankfully, she didn't go and that was the only relief I had in those few minutes..

As I was about to write this one, she called in to explain and talk over it.. Of course, I was in my taunting self, but she asked me if I were fine and I replied in an affirmative as she began defending her case... She told me the parental pressure had prompted her to go and get those damn books and also that this way she feels relaxed to have got the job done in time and sit back...'In Time', I felt like a kind of arrow had pierced me, a suggestive of me being way too laid back.. I was still in a mood to act as a spoiler and told her that she hasn't got the entire set yet, so no need to be so relaxed and happy on this stupidity of hers... To this she laughed like I have cracked a joke and I could see myself melting.. Now with a more understanding tone, I tried to explain her why I was so mad but she very childishly said - "I know I am stupid and I accept it... But I also know that you can still deal with it.."

Not the exact solution but definitely something that makes me forgive her as yet.. But if you are reading it, Sweety don't push your luck too far as you know when I am mad, I am not in a mood to listen and my anger triggers a button in my sub-conscience, that makes me remember all past mistakes the person committed, that makes me even more mad.. I try too hard to keep any relation going but if it feels like exhausting me, you know I leave.. Don't make me do that ... Try to curb your such irresponsible behaviour so that I may not feel to push the "Get Outta here" button in my internal program...

I am so infuriated!!

As I sit and write this piece, I am too infuriated and I wanna get this pain outta me as soon as possible.. Its something that is making me so weak inside.. As I quiver with the mixed emotions I am feeling, I decided to let it out rather than letting it making me weak inside... I hate being weak.. Love to put up a brave face and tell everyone that I am I fine and its nothing that's bothering me... That nothing in this world is big enough to make me experience anxiety but I do quiver with fear, it brings out the best of us but quivering with this anger and pain is surely not what I enjoy..

I know people around me feel I have anger management problem, but I feel its not a problem as long as you know its there and that its bad for you.. As I try everyday to control this anger, I feel I am empowering it more by letting it know that I fear it.. Anger, I am controlling it and I am quite successful so far as I know I can think about a situation with a calmer mind...

But what should one do when the one you trust makes you mad!!

One you regard as a friend, someone you love and care for.. Its the real tester.. As I did write about the fact that how one of my friends just cant let her mind rest in peace.. She is the reason of this little anxiety and discomfort I am in right now.. I have had enough discussions with her regarding this habit of hers... I don't know what's her problem?? I try to adjust but she makes me feel that I just can't fit in!!


No need to look at the above statement with doubt, I have done whatever I could to make it right, but seems that its going beyond what I can take on!! I did talk to Neha, who as I wrote earlier takes all the pain to keep things going, but this other friend makes it impossible to go on as one.. There are a number of issues and believe me I have adjusted far too much.. Whoever knows me knows it that I don't adjust beyond a limit.. I am not that super-flexible personality that takes on a lot of things and still puts up a nice smile.. When I am not amused, I show it ... Loud and clear and its time now that she tastes what she is putting me through all these years..

Adjustments are to be made by both and I am damn good with maths to know that she has done little to help it.. Just listening to me when I am talking isn't all that is required from a friend.. They need to understand too, not just hear you.. And that's where she lacks.. She hears me and doesn't understand me a lot.. Of course, she can make out the real meaning of my ever twisted sentences but the meanings, well I am scared they aren't perceived... Or not conveyed .. Its high time we clear this mess and know what's exactly is the problem - she not perceiving me or I am not conveying it!!


I feel I have good communication skills and I just can't believe that there is some fault with my transmission.. Well it clearly means the receiver is faulty, assuming air as the medium doesn't manipulate my words!!

Well I am not assuming anything and we would sit and conduct all the experiments in a controlled environment with the inputs from other associates to come to conclusion.. To know whose fault is it and can it be fixed?? Or is it an indication to let the lava flow into her ear and let her shed some tears.. I am being too cruel or rude but I am in pain and need something to soothe my aching nerves!!

My nerves seem to have calmed down a bit till the allergen strikes again to make me go mad again and I'll ensure that all lines of communication are intact and each and every word that I utter then is perceived and well understood followed by a "DO YOU COPY?" So I am not in a doubt about my capabilities again!!

[The photos are the copyright of the respective sites]

why does she think so much??

I am particularly irritated when my very good friend thinks and then re-thinks on everything that we have decided!!

We have to go to college to get books and all for the new session and we did talk over it many a times.. Ever since the exams were over and we were to think about how to enjoy these holidays, she started worrying about the next step, i.e., the next semester!! While we were discussing the plans of one of us going to Singapore for these brief holidays, she was a bit bothered about the books that are to be collected for the next session..
I somehow handled the situation then, but the next time we met, this was again her primary concern.. She may be mad at me, thinking that I am a way too laid back but I just want her to chill and wait as there is no need to rush in there.. We did talk a lot about it and did try to settle on some date to go to college and pick the books but all the time we couldn't make it because of one reason or the other.. We did decide some date in July [ I don't remember the date now] but she used to talk to me everyday to go before the scheduled date that we did decide on.. I n the end we couldn't go on the scheduled date too..
Sometimes its difficult to stick to the plan!!

Actually we are a group of 4 friends.. So all the plans have to be well co-ordinated to get all 4 of us at a place together with each one's consent.. Its even more difficult when a number of girls are involved as the guys don't mind much about the appointments.. In fact they generally complain that we gals create much ado about nothing.. We try to ask for every one's opinion to prevent any misunderstanding and consequent war of words... I love to stick to a plan once we have decided on it, but the other gals, they just think so much!! Every other day, one or the other sends in a message asking if we can go on one or the other day before the planned day!! Why??? I feel like asking them in the most fierce way so that they leave this habit forever and never ever try to change the much thought about previous decision we made..

I feel, because they never ever made me feel otherwise, that I don't force my opinion on them.. I ask them that I feel this is when we can go, this is where we can go, this is what we can do or this is how it can be done and patiently hear their views on it and then we decide by mutual consent on the issue... But then why do they use their brain all over again!! When all of us together came to this conclusion.. Ladies, I don't intend to infuriate you, nor trying to show you are dumb, but all I intend to say is - "Why do you think so much?" Now don't tell me that you took the Brain Exercise stuff too seriously!!

Now the latest date we put down for that college visit is 11th of August, but now i have started getting messages that lets go on 1st... Why??
I can happily agree on that but what about the commitment I made??
The other friend who is away to Singapore for a vacation would be back by then and I promised her on the behalf of all of us that we all would go together on 11th to collect books!! Now should I tell her that we have decided to go without her while she would always re-schedule all her other commitments to make room for us to meet and stay together.. She puts a lot of efforts to keep us together and maintain peace.. Its difficult to keep all the women happy together.. She tries the hardest.. Even harder than me to keep it all going between us.. So how can I just tell her we decided otherwise.. I told the other gals about it and for the time being we all have decided to stick to 11th August till one of the thinking brains itch again and decide a meeting for a re-schedule...
[No offenses ladies, I love u both and respect your opinion but think sometimes about this gal who doesn't love to strain her brain much with your - 'oh! lets re-schedule']..:D

the frantic call!!

I m awake at 11:23 pm, deeply engrossed in the mystery novel that I intend to finish as soon as possible [I usually sleep by 10] .. I hear the familiar ring tone n it strikes me after a few secs that its my phone.. I swooped out of my chair to grab it.. it ws my good frnd Shona.. I wondered wat it ws!! after exchanging the initial greetings, she said she ws wishing that I ws awake.. I told her I ws reading the novel n would hit the bed wen atleast a chapter is over.. before I could guess wat it ws, she blurted out - "I wantd to confess something.." as I hear her say those words, my mind ws running to all possible thngs that could come next!! she continued as I tried to make her jump to the point skipping all the explanatory part.. she finally spoke up - " I ws always truthful to u except on one occasion wen I lied to u.." I wanted to shout out to her - 'speak up' bt maintaining calmness I asked her - "when?" she first wanted me to think about it n not get angry n fly off the handle..[ I hate it more wen someone tests my patience this way.. by talking abt unnecessary things rather thn coming to the point..]
she reminded me of the incidence wen i walked up to a guy to tell him that she liked him.. she said she had already told him that I would do something like that n that I shouldn't b taken seriously.. she jst skipped the second sentence while telling me the things at that time..
" so what!! " I shouted out.. I tried to explain her that it ws jst hiding a few facts n not lying n that I wasn't anrgy at all after knowing this... she said she was afraid that I would do this n thus was jst trying to prevent the guy knowing that fact.. [ I felt it ws jst that she didn't want to let the guy know she likes him.. whether it ws from me or from her own mouth...] whatever may be the case, but one thing is for sure.. I wont loose temper on this!! n that too wen the matter is atleast an year old ... [ I know that she would definately b upset if I were the one confessing..] but I think time is a very big factor n after all this time, I hardly care about what the guy must have thought about my action.. I did what a friend should do .. No matter i sounded hysterical n somewhat out of my mind .. but I dont intend to make good impressions on everyone I meet !!!
the next few mins were spent in telling her that this wont affect our friendship n that I m not the slightest agitated with this.. n how foolish of her it ws to spill the beans now, when the chapter ws closed long ago!!